"The spitegeist is schadenfreude on steroids. You’ve slipped on a spectacularly stupid banana skin and we are crowding over you, gurning and hooting like gibbons."

"We’re supposed to care about Oasis, or Ozzy, or those Coldplay kiss-cam people, or how bad the English women’s team are at penalties, while, a few short hours away, ordinary people are being murdered by starvation."

I want a hair holiday... I want to break up with my hair

"Having spent several insomniac 4ams doing mental Tetris packing inside my head — as dull as it sounds — I reluctantly realise I’ll have to do something I’ve never done before. I’ll have to pay for check-in luggage."

"This is not an Irish wedding, accessorised by castles and lakes and ice sculptures and matching bridesmaids and those dining chairs also dressed to look like bridesmaids. No."

An Irish cyclist, Simon Jones, recently cycled through Iran, posting a love letter to its people on Instagram: “To the country I was warned about most, but wish I didn’t have to leave so soon.” 

That’s why the establishment wants to squash Kneecap, cancel them, restrict their movement — they, along with a handful of other vocal critics, are doing what the British government is not: loudly calling out atrocities

For those still stubbornly refusing to spend their lives online keeping up with the far grander lives of Americanbillionaire heiresses, this column is here to fill in your blanks...

Thanks to its rapid slide from jackpot to jackboot, visiting America has become about as enticing as a colposcopy. Why would you want to go there, to contribute even a single dollar to its continued existence? 

Journeying into the unknown is no longer a thing — Google Maps means you can never get lost.